Pregnacy Loss Archives - FertilitySmarts

Relatable Words After a Miscarriage

Kelly Park / May 5, 2021

The article may contain affiliate links. Pregnancy loss, miscarriage, or neonatal loss can be traumatic, life-altering experiences that are tough to truly understand unless you have been there. When someone else puts words to that unexplainable feeling, it can feel like your pain has been acknowledged. We’ve gathered words related to grief and loss—many from people who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy— and hope you see your truth or find comfort in some of these words. Trying to Describe Loss “I held you every second of your life.” — Stephanie Paige Cole from Still: A Collection of Honest Artwork and Writings from the Heart of a Grieving Mother “Baby loss =A million what ifsA billion if onlysA trillion I wishes” Zoe Clark-Coates “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” — Maya Angelou When you carry a life and it’s there, and then gone, a part of your soul dies. Forever. — Casey Wiegano I didn’t want to kiss you goodbye was the trouble. I wanted to kiss you goodnight, and there’s a lot of difference. — Ernest Hemingway “Before I carried the pain, I carried you. And in my heart, I carry you still.” — Unknown “Any woman who’d ever lost a child knew of the hollowness that remained within the soul.” ― Brittainy C. Cherry in Disgrace “What does a miscarriage feel like? It feels as if you have been short-changed by nature. You will cry for what might have been but nobody will understand because they didn’t feel it.” — Unknown Strength From Loss “We are not broken by our tragedy, our loss, our miscarriages, but made stronger by what we learn from them.” — Dr. Lora Shahine in Not Broken: An Approachable Guide to Miscarriage & Recurrent Pregnancy Loss “Pregnancy loss is not a disease that can be cured; it’s not going anywhere—it is, in fact, a normative outcome of pregnancy. And it is, therefore, a topic we would benefit from engaging in candid and integrating into everyday conversations, devoid of silence, stigma, and shame.” — Dr. Jessica Zucker from I Had a Miscarriage Words of Sympathy “A mother is not defined by the children she can see, but by the love she holds in her heart.” — Franchesca Cox “There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes.” — David Platt Words of Comfort “A life need not to be long-lived for it to be meaningful.” — Unknown “There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.” — Unknown “Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.” — A.A. Milne in Winnie the Pooh “How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our hearts.” — Dorothy Ferguson “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” — Robert Munsch in I’ll Love you Forever “Even those that never fully blossom bring beauty into the world.” — Unknown You were but a drop of rain to the eye but managed to flood my heart with love during your brief time with us. — Amy Hoover Moving Forward From Loss “The way forward is through, not around.” — A McDonald Ace, C. Starr, A.N. Bourbonnais in Through, Not Around: Stories of Infertility and Pregnancy Loss “Some things cannot be fixed; they can only be carried. Grief like yours, love like yours, can only be carried.” — Megan Devine “Sometimes we don’t want to heal because the pain is the last link to what we’ve lost.” — JM Storm “You never arrived in my arms, but you will never leave my heart.” — Zoe Clark-Coates “Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith… it is the price of love.” — Elizabeth I “Some say you’re too painful to remember. I say you’re too precious to forget.” — Unknown “You didn’t do anything to cause your loss. There is nothing you did, didn’t do, or could have done differently to prevent it. As you will continue to learn, the loss of pregnancy and the death of a baby are not discretionary; it can happen to anyone. It just happened to you. — Joey Miller in Rebirth “I am done trying to reason with it. For now, at least. There is no reason. There is nothing to understand. There is no could-have or should-have because there is only what is.” — Nora McInerney in It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying Is Cool Too) Pin Me

oldposts, Pregnacy Loss

Best Books to Read After a Miscarriage

Kelly Park / February 16, 2021

This article contains affiliate links. The experience of losing a pregnancy can be hard to process. If you are looking for help understanding what has happened, to hear that you are not alone, or are looking for hope for the future, here is a list of books that may help you on your journey to heal. Themes: We have done our best to indicate the loss-related topics you may encounter because triggers are real. Books to Read After A Miscarriage I Had a Miscarriage: A Memoir, a Movement Jessica Zucker, Ph.D. 2021 Jessica Zucker is a psychologist specializing in reproductive and maternal mental health. After miscarrying at home 16 weeks into her second pregnancy, the lens on how she approached her work and was forever changed. In I Had a Miscarriage. Dr. Zucker candidly offers her personal story and experience as a therapist to reflect on the shame, silence, and stigma surrounding reproductive loss. In an extension of her #ihadamiscarriage movement, this book calls on us to normalize miscarriage and the important conversations surrounding it. Who is this book for? A reader looking for empathy and empowerment after the loss of a pregnancy. If you can associate silence, shame, or stigma with the experience of pregnancy loss, this is a must-read. Themes: Pregnancy loss, pregnancy after loss. Buy on Amazon Buy on Bookshop Not Broken: An Approachable Guide to Miscarriage and Recurrent Pregnancy Loss By Lora Shahine, MD 2017 Dr. Lora Shahine is a reproductive endocrinologist who specializes in the care and treatment of pregnancy loss. Not Broken is an evidence-based guide covering all aspects of miscarriage and pregnancy loss. The book contains the research and information Dr. Shahine wants her patients to access and is delivered in a compassionate and empathetic way. Who is this book for? Anyone looking for evidence-based yet accessible information on the how and why questions related to first-trimester miscarriage and first-trimester recurrent pregnancy loss. This book extends beyond coping and into genetics and treatment options. It would also be a good read for friends and family looking to show their love and support. Themes: Pregnancy loss, recurrent miscarriage. Buy on Amazon All the Love: Healing Your Hear and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss By Kim Hooper, Meredith Resnick 2021 All the Love combines the personal experiences of co-author Kim Hooper and the professional insights of co-author Meredith Resnick. Topics covered include the medical aspects of loss, a prominent focus on grief, reconnecting with your partner, finding a new “normal,” and getting pregnant again. It reads like a grouping of short stories with pockets of information. Who is it for? Some processing the experience of pregnancy loss or stillbirth. Themes: Pregnancy loss at all stages. Buy on Amazon Books for Support After a Miscarriage Not Broken Illustrated: A Gift for Those Who Have Suffered Pregnancy Loss By Lora Shahine, MD 2018 When someone experiences pregnancy loss, it can be difficult to know what to say. This illustrated book is designed to be gifted as an offer of love and support to those who have experienced loss. Who is it for? Someone processing the experience of pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or infant loss. Themes: Pregnancy loss, recurrent miscarriage. Buy on Amazon Buy on Bookshop The Baby Loss Guide: Practical and compassionate support with a day-by-day resources to navigate the path of grief By Zoe Clarks-Coates 2021 In The Baby Loss Guide, Zoe Clarks-Coates walks through a timeline of life after baby loss. She covers treatment, practical considerations like dealing with social media, the many decisions of life beyond loss, and the thread of grief that strings it all together. The book concludes with a guided 60 days of compassionate and supportive journaling. Who is it for: People looking for guidance in moving forward after baby loss with interest in journaling. Themes: Miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, neonatal loss, TOPFA. Buy on Amazon Buy on Bookshop Books on Pregnancy After Loss Rebirth: The Journey of Pregnancy After a Loss By Joey Miller, MSW LCSW 2020 Joey Miller is a therapist and social worker with experience in perinatal loss. In Rebirth, she provides a roadmap of the realities of trying to conceive and experiencing pregnancy after the loss of a child. Practical tips are given on ways to approach milestones after loss (the baby shower invite) and how to approach each stage of pregnancy with a focus on advocating for your needs. The real-life experiences of 25 women who have grappled with loss are woven throughout. Who is it for? A reader looking for perspective and tips from a therapist on approaching pregnancy—from conception through delivery and postpartum—after a previous loss of a child. Themes: Pregnancy loss, stillbirth, neonatal loss, pregnancy after loss. Buy on Amazon Buy on Bookseller Books on Personal Experiences With Miscarriage What God is Honored Here?: Wringing on Miscarriage and Infant Loss by and for Native Women and Women of Color Edited by Shannon Gibney & Kao Kalia Yang 2019 What God is Honored Here? is a collection of essays by indigenous women and women of color that reflect on the loss, pain, and trauma of experiencing miscarriage and infant loss. Themes: Pregnancy loss, stillbirth, infant death, ectopic pregnancy. Buy on Amazon Through, Not Around: Stories of Infertility and Pregnancy Loss Edited by Allison McDonald Ace, Caroline Starr, Ariel Ng Bourbonnais 2019 This collection of 22 personal stories reflects the emotional ups and downs and physical struggles resulting from infertility and pregnancy loss experiences. Who is this book for? Readers looking to engage with raw and honest first-person experiences with infertility and loss. Infertility has a significant presence in the book. Themes: Infertility, IVF, miscarriage, second-trimester miscarriage, donor conception, pregnancy after infertility, pregnancy after loss. Some stories end with the birth of a child. Buy on Amazon Buy on Bookseller You Are Not Alone: Love Letters From Loss Mom to Loss Mom By Emily R Long 2016 This simple book contains letters of love and support from moms who have experienced loss to other loss moms.

Pregnacy Loss

7 Ways to Help Overcome Grief after Pregnancy Loss

Katy Huie Harrison, PhD / October 1, 2020

After a year-and-a-half of trying to conceive, followed by the loss of 4 consecutive pregnancies, I felt like I’d earned a graduate degree in grief. My friend and mentor, psychologist Dr. Christina Hibbert, says we all have a Ph.D. in our own lives, and by this point, I felt like I had more pedigree for understanding grief than I had ever wanted. I grieved the loss of my trust in my body. I grieved the loss of the lives I’d envisioned for my children who would never be born. I grieved the loss of my innocence, of the belief that working hard and being a good person would help me achieve the things I wanted. Mostly, with each loss, I grieved a life, and it was a different experience each time. After my first miscarriage, I curled up on my couch and didn’t leave it for a week. I cried and ate and watched television and snuggled my dogs. I saw the world through a dark cloud that I intrinsically knew I’d find a way through, but I couldn’t imagine how, or when, or what that would look like. With each loss, I grieved a life, and it was a different experience each time. As I experienced more losses, I began, both in therapy sessions and in personal journaling, to move through my experiences in different ways. After years of grief and loss—and therapy bills that rivaled the cost of recurrent miscarriage testing, treatment, hospital visits, and surgeries—I learned so many things about coping with grief. I hope they help you as much as they helped me. 1. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve I mean this quite literally— write a permission slip for yourself. It’s like the slip you carried through the hallway to be allowed to go to the bathroom in school, but for emotions. Because only you can give yourself permission to experience your grief. Others will, unfortunately, sometimes make you feel like your grief isn’t valid. They’ll remind you that others have it worse. They’ll ask why you aren’t “over it” yet. Those people do not understand. But they can make you feel like your emotions are wrong. But your emotions are yours, and you deserve them. You have my permission to experience them, but it’s essential that you give yourself that permission, as well. Your emotions are yours, and you deserve them. 2. Don’t Compare Your Grief to Others One of the most common things the miscarriage moms I work with complain about hearing is this gut-wrenching phrase: “At least you weren’t further along.” Some women report finding this statement helpful, but the vast majority are devastated by it because it makes them feel like their grief has been invalidated. You are only allowed to grieve, it seems, if you were further along, if you’d reached some obscure date in your pregnancy when suddenly it’s OK to grieve. But I promise you this. Whether you lost your pregnancy at 4 weeks or 40 weeks, it is OK to grieve. You deserve to experience whatever emotions come naturally to you. You deserve to experience whatever emotions come naturally to you. 3. Believe That you Deserve to Feel Your Emotions It sounds so simple, and yet it’s really not. When you feel like your grief is being invalidated, it’s easy to tell yourself that you should be “over it” or that it shouldn’t be such a big deal. Maybe you know someone who had a loss similar to yours, but they weren’t nearly so rattled by it. That’s OK. Your experience isn’t theirs. Maybe you know someone who’s been through something you consider to be far more traumatic, so you feel guilty for being so consumed by grief over something that you deem to be lesser. It’s all OK. All these thoughts are coming from a part of our minds that are trying to rationalize our emotions and pull us out of whatever we’re feeling because it’s uncomfortable. Learn to live with the discomfort. 4. Write a Statement About Why Your Grief is Valid I clearly believe in writing things down. By writing, we send concrete messages to our subconscious minds that may help them understand that we’re OK with the emotions we’re experiencing. Essentially, you’re writing a new permission slip, this time to a part of your brain that you can’t access with simple words, but only with actions. Here’s an example: My grief is valid because I just lost an entire life that I’d dreamed of. I’d imagined how I would announce my pregnancy. I’d wondered where my child would go to school. I’d tried to picture them laughing and playing. I’d hoped they’d choose a specific college or career. I’d hoped I’d be the type of mother who would not pressure them into living up to my desires for them, though. My grief is valid because in losing this pregnancy, I lost dreams, and I lost a life. This example may or may not ring true to you, but it shows the kind of detail you want to include. It helps you articulate exactly what you’re grieving, and it helps you realize that your grief is rarely about the loss alone. But even if it is about the loss of your pregnancy and nothing else, your emotions are still valid. 5. Accept Your Negative Feelings By giving yourself permission to grieve and validating that grief for yourself, you’re teaching your subconscious mind—the part that reacts feels, and creates emotions—that it’s OK to send you these negative feelings. Many of us are inclined to push our negative feelings down, to repress them, to busy ourselves so much that we don’t let ourselves experience the discomfort of grief and loss. But if we don’t allow ourselves to experience grief when it comes, instead hiding it away somewhere in the recesses of our minds, it will eventually find its way out. And when it does, it will likely come as a surprise, and it may be exceedingly

Pregnacy Loss

5 Things I Learned From Experiencing Pregnancy Loss

Arden Cartrette / October 6, 2019

Before September 26th of last year, I was blissfully unaware of what experiencing pregnancy loss was like. When we learned that we were pregnant with what we thought was our miracle baby, miscarriage was a possibility but I thought that there was no way I would experience infertility and pregnancy loss. That just seemed unfair. At that point in our journey, I couldn’t imagine losing that life. Experiencing Pregnancy Loss Our nightmare became a reality at our first ultrasound where we learned that our baby did not have a heartbeat and did not appear to be growing at the rate that it should. This appointment was the first time that the word miscarriage was said out loud by our doctor. He gave me the dreaded three options and we went home to grieve the loss of the life that we had dreamt of for so long. That was the first time that I experienced pregnancy loss and it was traumatic, laboring, and everything I didn’t think it would be. I was very unprepared for my first miscarriage because it happened naturally in the middle of the night, the night before our scheduled D&C. It felt like the universe was very much against us at that point. That experience taught me how I could better prepare myself and others for pregnancy loss because I was told to “expect a heavy period” and that couldn’t have been farther from the truth in my case. Loss Repeated Four months later, we were pregnant again! This time from a medicated and monitored cycle at our fertility clinic. The odds were literally in our favor to not miscarry a second time however during the first ultrasound we were given the same news. This time I chose to take the medication at home and it ended with an emergency trip to the hospital for a D&C. While going through miscarriage twice has truly been the worst thing that has happened to us so far in our journey together, I did learn a lot from it and try to use those lessons to help others. Here are five things I learned in the process: 1. Miscarriage is known as a Spontaneous Abortion I learned that in the medical field, a miscarriage is often referred to as a spontaneous abortion. If you aren’t prepared for those words on your medical bills and other related documents, it can be very hard to hear or see. Even though that is the technical term, most medical professionals will strictly use the word miscarriage when discussing the loss with their patients. You won’t be able to escape seeing those words on a medical bill or record so make sure you are prepared for that. 2. Adult Diapers are A Lifesaver I learned that adult diapers are an actual lifesaver after a miscarriage. People might laugh when they read this but they were the only thing that made me comfortable while sleeping and that gave me some sort of comfort when I returned to work. After a miscarriage, some women tend to bleed for days or weeks. In my case, I bled a little over two weeks each time, so the adult diapers came in handy! Going back to work was really difficult because I felt like everyone was looking at me. I didn’t feel confident in a maxi pad so I wore an adult diaper and have no shame about that. 3. Miscarriage is More Common Than We Think I learned that almost everyone knows someone who has experienced pregnancy loss. When we told our family and friends about our first miscarriage, I had so many people share their stories with me. Some had one loss, others had two, and everyone who shared that with me now has their rainbows. It brought me comfort knowing that people close to me had experienced it and it normalized it a bit more in my life. 4. Menstrual Cycles Can Change After a Miscarriage I learned that after you experience miscarriage, your cycle can be a bit off for the first couple of cycles. There are a few different ways that your cycle can change but in my experience, it was the length of my periods, the heaviness of my periods and how many days are in a cycle. 5. You Need To Learn To Grieve as a Couple The most important lesson that I learned from experiencing pregnancy loss was how to grieve as a couple. In the past when we have experienced loss from family passing away or hardships in our personal life, the grief was usually individual and the other was the supportive spouse. In this case, we were both the ones grieving and we grieve so differently that it was hard to navigate. We had to learn how to be there for each other but also take care of ourselves and it was a huge lesson that ended up making us stronger. No Single Way to Recover If you’ve experienced a loss, please know that it’s OK to grieve in any way that you see fit. There is no right way or wrong way, there is only your way and that’s what matters most. Some of these lessons didn’t come to fruition until long after our first miscarriage. Healing takes a lot of time and changes day to day so be easy on yourself and keep your hopes high for your future.

Pregnacy Loss

The Importance of Sharing our Miscarriage & Infertility Stories

Kelly Park / February 12, 2018

When I decided to share the story of my late-term miscarriage publicly, I was doing so because I had a visceral need to be open about it, to honor the life that I’d carried in my body, and to turn the awful experience into—somehow—something positive. There was also a tiny glimmer of hope in the back of my mind that it would help others, but I honestly didn’t know if it would or really believed that it could. So when the responses came flooding in after posting my article about my experience, I was really and truly floored. I heard from people who I’d known in some capacity for years and yet had never been privy to the truth that they, too, had experienced child loss or had been undergoing fertility treatment for years in relative silence. When that happened, that tiny glimmer of hope grew into a huge, beating ray of sunshine in my life and gave me a purpose and a way forward out of the fog of losing my baby. One of the most incredible and surprising outcomes of sharing my story was that two former colleagues of mine, Caroline Starr and Ariel Ng Bourbonnais, who also happened to be fellow warriors in this world of miscarriage and infertility, reached out to me and asked if I was interested in joining them on a project to help people share their personal stories—to which I of course agreed. We had each written publicly about our experiences and so it was a natural fit, not only because we connected on a personal level, but we each knew the incredible healing potential and empowerment to be found in sharing these often hidden stories. When we launched The 16 Percent, named for 16% of those in Canada who struggle with miscarriage and infertility, we weren’t entirely sure of what kind of impact it was going to have, and what direction the project was going to take. All we knew, as a group and individually, was that writing and sharing our own stories with miscarriage and infertility, as well as reading the experiences of others who had gone through it before us, had in many ways quite literally saved our lives and kept us from going too far into the depths of despair and we wanted to offer that same opportunity to anyone out there who needed an outlet for their voice and for their experience. The response we’ve had since The 16 Percent came to be has been above anything we could have expected. Each week when we post the story of one brave warrior who has decided to tell their story, the amount of support that pours out through our network is incredible. Not only can sharing your own story be cathartic, it can also provide a bit of a roadmap to those walking a similar path. Here are some of the lessons learned in the words of those who have shared their story with us: I have learned that our story is not something we need to hide or feel ashamed about. We know there is a community of people who have experienced what we have and our candidness helps others cope and navigate through their experiences with infertility/miscarriage. — Alessia Don’t feel like you owe anyone anything, this is your issue, own it and share it in a way that suits you best and makes you the most comfortable. — Simone I hope that I’ve become more understanding and sympathetic to those struggling with infertility, I don’t ask the same questions I used to, realizing now how insensitive and triggering it might have been. I appreciate the time I have with family and friends and we welcome opportunities to travel and show her the world. — Natalie I have learned that people don’t talk about infertility because there is no open platform for it and people don’t know how to respond to infertility. The process is so much harder than I imagined and a part of me will forever be broken. The process has also made me realize that, for me, it may not be about genetics anymore. I wanted a “mini-me” but I am realizing that there is more than that. Connections can be made and are just as strong without biology. — Sophia I try and hold on to the fact that it was not my fault and that there was nothing I did or did not do that would have changed the outcome. I also find that sharing how I feel with my husband helps me acknowledge those feelings out loud, allowing them to pass easier. — Janice As much as I try to put a positive spin on it, it made me a bit darker. I hope this isn’t a permanent change. Going through the process, I felt a lot of despair. But I feel like I’m coming out of it now and starting to get lighter and back to my normal self, which feels pretty damn good. — Carly It is not the genes I am grieving, but the peace. I am mourning the time and the pain and the hope that I will become a mother in the next 9 months. Or the 9 months after that. Or the 9 months after that. I am mourning the lost bit of living I feel like I have missed out on… — Wendy I now appreciate that having your own children is not everyone’s reality, that grief doesn’t have a timeline and that you have the right to cope in any way you see fit. — Frannie It has made me realize how strong I really am, that there is no mountain too high for me. That despite all that I had against me, I have this little girl who looks at me like I am superwoman! — Jaclyn I learned a lot about my body. You don’t realize how much goes into making a baby until you can’t do what we “should”

Pregnacy Loss

Relatable Words After a Miscarriage

Best Books to Read After a Miscarriage

7 Ways to Help Overcome Grief after Pregnancy Loss

5 Things I Learned From Experiencing Pregnancy Loss

The Importance of Sharing our Miscarriage & Infertility Stories

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